This blog is for you, and most probably for me as well. I've wanted to share a lot of what I am learning, but the email got so long. This past week has been difficult for me as I recognize this road to healing will be a long one.
Our lives are different and our ways of dealing with setbacks, challenges, stress, etc. are unique to each of us. But certain aspects of our selves are intertwined. So as someone who has the time and circumstances to look at the nature of healing, I also write this because it might trigger something in you that resonates with your life story. Or perhaps in our busy lives, it will give us a way to know each other a little better. Please read this with your own story in mind.
About 3 yrs ago I started noticing that my energy levels were lower than normal. I was winded from vacuuming our patch of carpet upstairs. I was wiped out after taking a pilates class. My first day of menses knocked me out - I felt tired to the bone. I look healthy, but something did not feel right. Overworking? Not eating right? I tried changes to my diet, my work schedule. I am not waiting to be crippled with fatigue in order to take address it. But I did wait until I had a lump in my throat and tried everything else before getting blood work to be definitively diagnosed.
Hashimoto's is an auto-immune disorder where the immune system attacks a part of the body instead of a foreign particle. Allopathic medicine is not helpful when it comes to these conditions. My friend who is an endocrinologist said the only thing they agree upon is that they don't agree on anything. The endocrine system is a mystery to modern science. The ancient yogic science of Ayurveda attributes autoimmunity to undigested protein particles. Likewise, diabetes is a problem in the metabolic process (I am also pre-diabetic). Sugars from food are not absorbed into your cells so they linger in your blood, in effect poisoning it. But digestion is both physiological and emotional. Gabor Mate's book "When the Body Says No" addresses autoimmunity as a physiological response to save the organism from a perceived threat to survival. This is a response learned in early life. The body turns on itself to preserve any perceived break from the relationship with the caregiver, who provides survival for the infant or child. This pattern is repeated to preserve important relationships throughout life. The immune system is the only system in the body whose job is to identify self and other. This confusion of "what is self?" is learned, inherited or both.
Perhaps my development in the womb of a mother who learned of her husband's infidelity contributed to my inability to fully digest (food, criticism, mistakes, affection, etc.). A nutritionist trained by Dr. Henry Bieler (who worked with nutrition and the endocrine system) surmised as much. I went to her early on to discover why I wasn't getting nourishment from my food.
Total Biology is a system of healing that looks at the nature of illness as having roots in psychological conflict. Autoimmunity in this system is the memory of one parent wanting the child, the other not. Dad said he was certain I was a son. Mom was a reluctant mother of more than 2 children. She was ready to leave Dad while pregnant with me. Imagine what that must have meant in her era and culture.
This health issue is an opportunity for me to grow in a new way. Years ago I delved into yoga to heal from mental anguish. Now I find myself turning to the more subtle aspects of yoga to heal myself from what I have come to believe (over the past 6 months) are the undigested emotional aspects of how I deal with conflict.
The totality of my health issues include Hashimoto's, pre-diabetic conditions, low adrenal function, deteriorating muscle mass. I continue to be treated by a D.O. who uses natural methods to restore health, but after my second blood test indicated my thyroid was continuing to deteriorate, I am taking thyroid hormone supplements while we try to restore my body to normal function.
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